“I have survived, I am here. Confused screwed up but here. So how can I find my way? Is there a chainsaw of the soul, an ax I can take to my memories or fears?”
I read a book in novel studies that really helped me have the courage to talk about something very hard in my life. The book is called speak by Laurie Halse Anderson, its about a girl named Melinda living in a small town, she goes to a party and gets sexually assaulted, she called the police and everyone turned against her with out even knowing what had happened. She goes through almost a year until she chooses to tell her ex-best friend Rachel what happened that night at the party, because Rachel is dating the guy who raped her. Andy Evans is the guy’s name. Andy tells Rachel that Melinda is lying, that she’s jealous of their relationship. Andy Evans decides to try and assault her again. Melinda finally stands up, breaks a mirror and grabs a sharp piece and says, “I said NO!” The girls lacrosse team breaks into the closet Melinda was in and helped her out. Her story finally gets heard and she was able to speak about it.
The reason why “Speak” touched my heart so deep. Is because I got sexually assaulted when I was 9. I didn’t get raped but I got touched in a way no little girl should be touched. I went through so much of my life keeping this secret without mentioning a word, why? Because I was scared of not being believed, I felt ashamed and disgusted not to mention how confused I was. I felt like it was my fault, maybe if that day I would of dressed differently or acted in a meaner way this wouldn’t of happened to me. When I was 12 I went to a counselor because I started getting depression, I didn’t understand why. I then realized maybe, just maybe it was because of what he did. I was scared, until one day that secret that was eating me alive became so real to me I couldn’t take it anymore. I told my counselor and she asked me the most ridiculous question ever. “Are you sure you weren’t dreaming?” After the answer I received I thought and thought to myself that maybe it didn’t happen. Maybe he did it with good intentions. When I turned 13 all the way up to 14 I blocked it from my mind. I no longer thought about that nor did I even want to have that terrible memory replaying in my head. Its not that it didn’t matter or I didn’t care but I chose to keep that in my past.
At age 14 I started acting up, my grades started getting lower. I started hanging out with people I shouldn’t of. I ran away and got harassed again! I honestly thought it was normal, I didn’t like it but it was no big deal since my peers didn’t really think so either. After I went back home I still kept quiet, I had nothing to say to anyone. At age 15 I moved to Glenwood Springs, I was in a new home a new neighborhood. A friend told me about her secret and how she got touched. It brought back so many feelings and so much sorrow. I kept quiet not knowing what to tell her. I left home nearly crying, when I got to my house I spoke. I told my mom the story and in her eyes all I saw was confusion and a bit of disbelief. All she had to say was “He would never do that”. I was extremely ashamed for speaking. That was the last time I ever spoke about that. At age 16 I became a mom to a beautiful baby girl. I moved to Yampah, this school just made me feel welcomed.
I turned 18 December 12th, I spoke to my momentum teacher because I had the courage. I knew there was a possibility of not getting believed or getting ignored. For the first time in 8 years he believed me! He reported it but we never got a call back.
A couple months later I had a class with one of my advisors Sonja Linmon and we were sitting in class talking about the book “Speak”. I finally remembered the whole story. I told her I had to talk to her after class, I held in my tears and anger and told her my story. “I got touched by a family friend, a disgusting old man named Gustavo, I was nine. I lived in the trailer park besides City Market. I was with a friend who I consider family; she was Gustavo’s neighbor and my neighbor too. She was six years old. We went to his house to go get candy because he is her godfather. Her dad called her and I got left alone with Gustavo for about four minutes. That’s all it took four short minutes for him to do what he did. He told me to show him my appendix scar since I had gotten it removed when I was eight, he asked if he could touch it, I said yes. He turned me around so my back was facing him. He then began to rub my stomach sliding his hand down my underwear and pants. He touched my vagina and I pulled away and I took his hand out. I left his house and I never went back again”. Sonja reported it once again and I explained to her how I had a feeling my friend had been touched too. I talked to a lady from social services named Maria, I told her my story. After 8 years they actually heard me. I went to River Bridge, which is a place where they welcome people who have been abused. I shared my story once again, this time it got recorded. The day before I went to River Bridge my mom said she had to tell me a secret. I listened to her and she told me about how Liz the girl who I considered family had gotten sexually abused by the same nasty old man who sexually molested me. I couldn’t talk to Liz for a while about the situation because the police said it wasn’t convenient. She knew she wasn’t alone, she knew what had happened to me because of her mom and my mom. The joy I saw in her eyes when I finally got the courage to tell her she wasn’t alone was indescribable. She told me how sad she would feel at times because her mom wasn’t being very supportive. I talk to her all the time and check up on her to make sure she’s ok.
We are both taking therapy. Gustavo is now in jail. I’m doing better now. I can relate to who ever is or has been in this situation! I’ve been scared, I’ve been ashamed! It’s been really tough on me and I still get really sad sometimes. I want to say that girls and boys who aren’t willing to talk for the same reasons I wasn’t able to, you can do it! You are a survivor, tell your story! You don t ever have to be ashamed or scared.
I read a book in novel studies that really helped me have the courage to talk about something very hard in my life. The book is called speak by Laurie Halse Anderson, its about a girl named Melinda living in a small town, she goes to a party and gets sexually assaulted, she called the police and everyone turned against her with out even knowing what had happened. She goes through almost a year until she chooses to tell her ex-best friend Rachel what happened that night at the party, because Rachel is dating the guy who raped her. Andy Evans is the guy’s name. Andy tells Rachel that Melinda is lying, that she’s jealous of their relationship. Andy Evans decides to try and assault her again. Melinda finally stands up, breaks a mirror and grabs a sharp piece and says, “I said NO!” The girls lacrosse team breaks into the closet Melinda was in and helped her out. Her story finally gets heard and she was able to speak about it.
The reason why “Speak” touched my heart so deep. Is because I got sexually assaulted when I was 9. I didn’t get raped but I got touched in a way no little girl should be touched. I went through so much of my life keeping this secret without mentioning a word, why? Because I was scared of not being believed, I felt ashamed and disgusted not to mention how confused I was. I felt like it was my fault, maybe if that day I would of dressed differently or acted in a meaner way this wouldn’t of happened to me. When I was 12 I went to a counselor because I started getting depression, I didn’t understand why. I then realized maybe, just maybe it was because of what he did. I was scared, until one day that secret that was eating me alive became so real to me I couldn’t take it anymore. I told my counselor and she asked me the most ridiculous question ever. “Are you sure you weren’t dreaming?” After the answer I received I thought and thought to myself that maybe it didn’t happen. Maybe he did it with good intentions. When I turned 13 all the way up to 14 I blocked it from my mind. I no longer thought about that nor did I even want to have that terrible memory replaying in my head. Its not that it didn’t matter or I didn’t care but I chose to keep that in my past.
At age 14 I started acting up, my grades started getting lower. I started hanging out with people I shouldn’t of. I ran away and got harassed again! I honestly thought it was normal, I didn’t like it but it was no big deal since my peers didn’t really think so either. After I went back home I still kept quiet, I had nothing to say to anyone. At age 15 I moved to Glenwood Springs, I was in a new home a new neighborhood. A friend told me about her secret and how she got touched. It brought back so many feelings and so much sorrow. I kept quiet not knowing what to tell her. I left home nearly crying, when I got to my house I spoke. I told my mom the story and in her eyes all I saw was confusion and a bit of disbelief. All she had to say was “He would never do that”. I was extremely ashamed for speaking. That was the last time I ever spoke about that. At age 16 I became a mom to a beautiful baby girl. I moved to Yampah, this school just made me feel welcomed.
I turned 18 December 12th, I spoke to my momentum teacher because I had the courage. I knew there was a possibility of not getting believed or getting ignored. For the first time in 8 years he believed me! He reported it but we never got a call back.
A couple months later I had a class with one of my advisors Sonja Linmon and we were sitting in class talking about the book “Speak”. I finally remembered the whole story. I told her I had to talk to her after class, I held in my tears and anger and told her my story. “I got touched by a family friend, a disgusting old man named Gustavo, I was nine. I lived in the trailer park besides City Market. I was with a friend who I consider family; she was Gustavo’s neighbor and my neighbor too. She was six years old. We went to his house to go get candy because he is her godfather. Her dad called her and I got left alone with Gustavo for about four minutes. That’s all it took four short minutes for him to do what he did. He told me to show him my appendix scar since I had gotten it removed when I was eight, he asked if he could touch it, I said yes. He turned me around so my back was facing him. He then began to rub my stomach sliding his hand down my underwear and pants. He touched my vagina and I pulled away and I took his hand out. I left his house and I never went back again”. Sonja reported it once again and I explained to her how I had a feeling my friend had been touched too. I talked to a lady from social services named Maria, I told her my story. After 8 years they actually heard me. I went to River Bridge, which is a place where they welcome people who have been abused. I shared my story once again, this time it got recorded. The day before I went to River Bridge my mom said she had to tell me a secret. I listened to her and she told me about how Liz the girl who I considered family had gotten sexually abused by the same nasty old man who sexually molested me. I couldn’t talk to Liz for a while about the situation because the police said it wasn’t convenient. She knew she wasn’t alone, she knew what had happened to me because of her mom and my mom. The joy I saw in her eyes when I finally got the courage to tell her she wasn’t alone was indescribable. She told me how sad she would feel at times because her mom wasn’t being very supportive. I talk to her all the time and check up on her to make sure she’s ok.
We are both taking therapy. Gustavo is now in jail. I’m doing better now. I can relate to who ever is or has been in this situation! I’ve been scared, I’ve been ashamed! It’s been really tough on me and I still get really sad sometimes. I want to say that girls and boys who aren’t willing to talk for the same reasons I wasn’t able to, you can do it! You are a survivor, tell your story! You don t ever have to be ashamed or scared.
My Letter To The Courts
January 2014
To Whom it May Concern:
I wanted to write a letter to the courts stating how the experience of being molested as a child affected my life.
I arrived to the United States when I was four years old. My family had some problems adjusting so we sought and went to family counseling. When I was around nine or ten I was molested by Gustavo Flores. Although it was a one time isolated incident, this incident had an affect on me in several different ways.
After the incident occurred I was unable to trust people, especially men. It drastically changed my relationship with my mom because I felt like she didn’t believe me, since she didn’t do anything when I told her. I felt like I didn’t have a voice and that what I had to say was irrelevant, I felt like I wasn’t important. I felt disgusted and for many years I blamed myself for what had happened, I felt ashamed. I was angry and frustrated that he was getting away with what he did. I felt like a huge part of my innocence was taken away from me.
When I found out about what he had done to Lizeth I felt like I had to re-live everything I had already gone through. Mostly I was worried about her and wanted her to be safe. After we went to court I felt like I had done the right thing, even though he wasn’t found guilty of the count involving me. I still felt relieved that he got convicted and that he can’t hurt other kids. A part of me was also very mad because I don’t believe that anyone who testifies about being molested or sexually abused should be attacked by the lawyer of the person who committed the crime. It was hard enough to come forward and tell the truth. This kind of disrespect for the witnesses especially kids should not be OK.
Lizzeth in my opinion looks happier and more comfortable with who she is now. I think she finally felt believed and now is safe.
I feel like anyone who commits this type of crime on a child or any women for that matter shouldn’t be able to get away with it. Though to many it was a “just touching” it affected my life tremendously.
Thank you for asking for our input.
Karen Irigoyen
To Whom it May Concern:
I wanted to write a letter to the courts stating how the experience of being molested as a child affected my life.
I arrived to the United States when I was four years old. My family had some problems adjusting so we sought and went to family counseling. When I was around nine or ten I was molested by Gustavo Flores. Although it was a one time isolated incident, this incident had an affect on me in several different ways.
After the incident occurred I was unable to trust people, especially men. It drastically changed my relationship with my mom because I felt like she didn’t believe me, since she didn’t do anything when I told her. I felt like I didn’t have a voice and that what I had to say was irrelevant, I felt like I wasn’t important. I felt disgusted and for many years I blamed myself for what had happened, I felt ashamed. I was angry and frustrated that he was getting away with what he did. I felt like a huge part of my innocence was taken away from me.
When I found out about what he had done to Lizeth I felt like I had to re-live everything I had already gone through. Mostly I was worried about her and wanted her to be safe. After we went to court I felt like I had done the right thing, even though he wasn’t found guilty of the count involving me. I still felt relieved that he got convicted and that he can’t hurt other kids. A part of me was also very mad because I don’t believe that anyone who testifies about being molested or sexually abused should be attacked by the lawyer of the person who committed the crime. It was hard enough to come forward and tell the truth. This kind of disrespect for the witnesses especially kids should not be OK.
Lizzeth in my opinion looks happier and more comfortable with who she is now. I think she finally felt believed and now is safe.
I feel like anyone who commits this type of crime on a child or any women for that matter shouldn’t be able to get away with it. Though to many it was a “just touching” it affected my life tremendously.
Thank you for asking for our input.
Karen Irigoyen